till we meet again~

if we ever meet again fellas.

well, that is not what i wanted to write here. after today, i would not be seeing most of my frens again. well, my coursemates, i would definitely see you guys again. but those debaters, best friends of mine, most of them, i would not see them again, in UTP that is.

well, why did i make such a fuss about this? because i truly appreciate the connection that i managed to get here. most of the time, i would be a lone ranger with one or two close friends. however, here, i have many many close friends. all of those i share most of my joys and laughter together. not to mention those tears that accompany us always.

it is not easy to find a close friend. i am glad that i managed to get those during my three years tenure in UTP so far. the coming years, i do hope that it would be better than this. i've learnt a lot of new things, gather valuable experiences. most of it all, i get to taste the true meaning of friendship.

we are separated, but we shall never let our bond disappears away.

to recap, this semester starts well. with me spending my time with syahmi and azmidi. but in the middle, drama starts to unfold. lack of sleep, tears flying here and there, sadness creeps in. but we managed it through nonetheless. there were the tiny fights between syafiq and wadi and rahman. and not to forget the quarrels with maria as well. birthdays that we celebrated. tambun with debaters and the late ahmed. i just sometimes cant believe myself. how could so many things happen in a very short time.

so many things happen through the years. i just can say it all here. i just want to show how much i really appreciate every single thing about it and how i will always cherish it. for the rest of my life.

there will always be someone that i would rather look forward to meet in the next 10 months. that would be you-know-who. i will try my best to come regularly to UTP. i want to show to her that those glimpses are only a glitch that bears no significant issue. i want to give her what she deserve after all of the things that she had done for me. i will be putting you in my top lists. dont you worry about that my dear. i will.

to all my batch mates jan 08, we will always be friends. no matter what.

with that, i hereby end the UTP session of this blog for the next 10 months.

thank you.

the aftermath

in less than 9 hours, i would be sitting in my last examination paper for the semester.

to glimpse into the future, in one week time, i would be sitting in my office desk. for the first time ever in my life, i would be granted my own office cubicle (that is if my company do uses cubicle).

in more or less than a month time, we would be ending the year 2010 already. in more or less than a month, christmast.

now, i am being bugged by a minor probs in my pc. i cant seem to play longer than 10 minutes or else, the pc would shut down by itself. that i believe delivers a major blow to my life! how can i play games for 10 minutes? the screen would just go blank, the sounds would be turned off and there would be no more control to it. ctrl+alt+del isnt helping. without the blue screen warning as well. but the irony is, all the fans would still be spinning around, mocking me.

my solution, wait till my examinations are over, i am going to bring home my precious and discover the problems there. there is nothing that i can do now. face it, my pc is one of my most precious assets due to its data that resides within it and the amount of time and effort that i have put into it to just bring it to my life. hence, i must to something to protect it from harm.

pc problems aside, it would be daunting to be sitting in an office cubicle. i just cant imagine it. like the first time that i enrol in UTP or i enrol in my SMAPK. there are a lot of emotions going through me at this time. the sadness of leaving the comfort zone in the name of utpians and to venture out to a company alone, all by myself. i do hope that i would found someone better there as i always do so~ :P

maybe, i might be able to update my blog daily. that is one possibility~ although i doubt that the amount of readers would increase drastically or even increase. i mean, to be frank, i seriously dont think that someone or something is even reading this blog. well, dont be offended. i know the status of a miscellaneous blogger that feels his stories are worth it to be spent on.

nonetheless, i would still be writing here, i told you before, the blog is one of my assets to deliver my feelings to the public (the internet is huge people~). i will strive to do so.

btw, for my pc probs, if anyone have any suggestions about how to fix it, feel free to share it with me via any means possible. i would seriously appreciate it~

till then guys, i need to study. one last push for glory~

persevere

perseverance is one of the most toughest things to do.

to be motivated through out. the whole idea itself is something daunting to do.

admit it, one always be motivated, hyped, pumped, in it, whatever you want to call it, in the beginning stages only. you have your goals, your aim, your target. everything is there. in the middle of it all, just falters down as time wears one out. it is the same routine over and over again is what exactly makes one feels demotivated and bored.

well, basically, i am kinda demotivated for two things now, fitness and also my studies (obviously). the whole idea of doing the same thing over and over again with very little effect is so damn tedious. i mean, face it, especially during my workouts, i can only see very little visible effect. my stomach is still flabby. nothing almost changes and that sucks.

for my studies, sometimes i do feel so damn tired of all of this. i want to play games, watch movies, not sitting under constant pressure all the time. not being able to procastinate whenever i wanted. not being feel like there is one chain tying my freedom. that is stress my dear readers. i am totally stressed out with it.

but, in the end, i know what i want. i know how i am going to get it. i know why i want it. i want a shaped body cause i want to prove to myself that i will never ever stay flabby all the time. i can get atleast a lean stomach. i want to get good grades cause i know the benefits of it in the future. the current cgpa is totally not enough to land me a decent job. i need to do more as i want to get a salary.

i have my targets and at times, i feel that it is unreachable but i want it and i never feel that i want it badly. hope that i can lasts that for a while. two more days. two more days to 10 care free months from assignments, tests and final exams. i must make an impact in these two days.

to all of those who have finished their exams, this might be a time to get me a merchandise or whatever cause probably, i wont be seeing you guys ever again!

with that, see you guys later~

Post AidilAdha

this is in the middle of the examination week. i have just completed one paper out of five. four more to go starting this monday.

everybody is stressed up. no one likes this atmosphere in UTP. people are sleeping late, cursing at those lengthy lecture slides and books. filling the library from morning till late night.

suddenly, i realized that i only have one more week left. one more week before i will embark on a 10 months hiatus that will see me venture into a new environment.

am i ready for it? do i have what it takes to be there? what if things goes wrong? those questions started to take away my focus in studying.

face it, in a week's time, i will be ending this semester and started to see the life of a working adults. FYI, i am just 20 years old. i shouldn't be working on a daily basis at an office. god, time really flies. now i feel afraid of the new environment. what if i made a mess in my internship?

btw, i wont be seeing most of my friends and teammates anymore. after my internship program, they would be leaving for their internship already until the end of my ungrad studies. now, that is more depressing. not able to see them anymore due to this is more depressing. its gonna be a very long time until i met them again, that is, if god granted us the will to be met. i dont like it.

if the separation lasts like one year, it is ok. but no more seeing each other, that is tough. very2 tough.

Goodbye My Lover

Did i disappoint you or let you down?

Should i be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?

cause i saw the end before we'd begun

yes i saw you were blinded and i knew i had won

so i took what's mine by eternal right

took your soul out into the night

it may be over but it wont stop there

i am here for you if you'd only care

you touched my heart, you touched my soul

you changed my life and all my goals

and love is blind and that i knew when

my heart was blinded by you

i've kissed your lips and held your hand

shared your dreams and shared your bed

i know you well, i know your smell

i've been addicted to you

Goodbye my lover

Goodbye my friend

you have been the one

you have been the one for me

i am a dreamer and when i wake

you cant break my spirit - its my dreams you take

and as you move on, remember me

remember us and all we used to be

i've seen you cry, i've seen you smile

i've watched you sleeping for a while

i'd be the father of your child

i'd spend a lifetime with you

i know your fears and you know mine

we've had our doubts but now we're fine

and i love you, i swear thats true

i cannot live without you

and i still hold your hand in mine

in mine when i'm asleep

and i will bear my soul in time

when i'm kneeling at your feet

for all my close friends, teammates and my special one.

till we meet again fellas.

good luck in your lives.

Competitions

some people are just competitive in nature. well, i dont blame them. it is not even a bad trait.

however, on the contrary, i am not as competitive as most people are. living in a family where all your siblings makes you look demure is so not encouraging for your self esteem. i am been living all my life with the perception that my brothers and sisters are all cool and always ahead of me. well of course they are ahead of me by minimum of 5 years.

the point is that sometimes i really do hate competitions. especially in things that i really dont see any reason of competing behind it. things such as who is more good looking, more smarter than the other guys or even who's got more money in the bank. those things i believe is not fair sometimes for everyone to participate in and things that arent fair are totally not my groove.

i mean, it is something that is more subjective than other things. your looks, you can choose it at the first place! plus, it is something subjective, i might call miley cyrus as the most sexiest girl ever and some might want to say selena gomez is the one! no one wins in these types of competition.

as for the brains competitions, i agree that it might lead to something good such as your grades are increased and everything but personally, that type of competitions are just for nerds. face it, bill gates do not even need a degree to start off with his microsoft business, and mark zuhkerberg (sorry if i dont know how to spell his name) got lawsuits from his colleagues when he 1s started fb because he is such an asshole(this i got from the movie the social network).

the point is, being the smartest is not everything fellas! you can be the smartest and yet you might not get anything that you wanted. competitions are good sometimes but i believe that under some circumstances, it is going to breed more hatred than any benefits.

perhaps this is not true for everyone. it might be true for me. dont get me wrong, i am a competitive person. just that i am competitive for the things that i believe should have been a competition amongst people.

i am tired actually. can i take the day off from studying? maybe yes. thank you!

Study Week Semester July 2010 aka 90th post

to study something, it is very hard to do.

i mean face it, in my school days, i find it hard to cope with add maths and Bahasa Arab Tinggi(BAT). i always failed in these two subjects. to say that i didnt study these two subjects is preposterous. i did study. however the problem lies in the justification on why must i study these subjects.

to be honest, i dont see any reasoning behind the add maths and BAT being taught to every student. me, for example, i dont want to take engineering or anything and i dont want to go to the middle east to further my studies, hence, why must i learn these subjects? when i asked my teachers said that we will be using it, it is confirmed that we will use it later in my life etc. that is not the point, the point is until now, i still failed to see the reasoning behind me being forced to study these two subjects for two years.

now, the interesting part is, in university, i failed to find any subject that is of a matter not using it later. i mean, all the subjects, have the possibilities of usage in my working years. hence, i really do feel like studying those subjects cause i know that these subjects are not just merely a quota that i must fill in.

well, that has never made my grades any better, but anyhow, the questions of why must we learn this stuff never occurred in my university days. although to be honest, there are sometimes where i do feel like cursing those hard technical subjects and that particular questions really do fill in the mind space.

what matters now is that i must stay focused and determined to try my best, cause even if i failed, i knew that i have give my best and i am content with it.

hence, the struggle begins.

til then bloggie, i got some lecture notes to attend to~~ :D

unless we recognize that the wealth of many employees consists of their education and skills, these valuable assets will not be protected as well as traditional forms of property - Charles A. Reich.

Moving On

it was a topsy turvy period of time for me. trying to cope with a couple of loses.

those loses are grief and always will have an impact on me.

i held on to one phrase, God knows the plan for everyone and only He knows the best for us.

not just that i believe that God has planned for me to embrace death of my colleagues in the early days of my life (i'm 20, not 60), i believe that God has reasons to take away his precious and bright life as well.

i need to move on. and my resolutions are:

revive back the blog that i have left deserted. its one of those ways of me saying what i always wanted to say. expressing alone is fruitfull for me. i'll post as many things as i can in this blog of mine.

change the url of this blog. no more of the stupid alteringalterations(yes, i admit, it is stupid). it would give me a fresh feeling about this blog. the url is therealmukhariz, not because i am a narcissistic person but it is because the url mukhariz is taken already by a kid! and that is not even his real name! what a bomb!

no more of secrecy. i mean, i always put layers among layers in my writings that in the end, i cant even recall what i have wrote before. i wont put that anymore, i would try to be straight to the point. maybe one layer of secrecy is enough. ;)

why changes that change us: simple, i just want to share the changes in my life and hopefully give impact to those who experience almost the same changes that i went through. the tagline before this is lame and not objective. now, i will write those of my changes rather than writing to change the world. kids stuff.

i have to admit, since writing about my personal dwellings in my blog, i can move on easier. i am not such a story teller person. i need a medium to express those things. in the end, the blog is the easiest way of doing so.

well, i guess thats a lot of resolutions. i hope that one day, i will benefit from all of the minutes spent of this blog. i have to sign out, got a chapter to read before i sleep. have a nice day everyone.

p/s: please refer to me as mukhariz and not moqa or mocca or paroi or paroy. all those, are not me. just a nickname. thanks.

Al-Fatihah

it started out during try outs for novice

that is the 1st time i met him. he was brimming with confidence. it was, for the 1st time that i recalled, an international student wants to join the debate team. although i dont really liked him at 1st glance, but then i just say, hell with it. i want to focus on this competition.

during novice championships

what i thought is arrogance, it turns out to be self confidence. he is someone that will not respect people unless we show it to him that it is worth it to do so. i respected that. we created some bond there. i can feel that he is somehow respects me and i respects him too. who has the guts to join the all local debate team with just him the one from his country. he makes an entrance at this competition. winning 5 rounds, losing once.

when the result of the finals is announced, he was the one that leaps the highest, shout the loudest and hug the firmest. he was the one that filled with joy. he smiled like he was the one that won it. i was happy to see him that way. it was like he was actually a part of us. a locals who just have been living outside of the country. i am gonna miss that smile.

wednesday, 3rd of november 2010

ijat text me. dude, you wanna go mamak? i said ok. then we go out, with nabil and him tagging along. we had such a conversation there. talking about ijat's sis wedding and how he will bullshit his family by saying that he is one of the ambassadors' son. talking about the formality of the attire. talking about tasneem, habib and khadijah. we talked about past competitions too. but there is one thing that i can remembered the most. that time, we said we were leaving. then he suddenly said no, wait for another 30 minutes! with his voice and intonation. i was surprised. in my head, what would he wanted to talk for another 30 minutes. as they always say, those who will go, somehow knows about it. we didnt left the mamak. we stayed and talked more. i can still remember his face. he really looks like he wants to stay there with us. wants to spent a bit more time with the both of us. we talked and talked like buddies from our school days. it was as if he knows that he wont be seeing both of us again.

that was the last time i saw him alive. the next time i saw him, he was already pale and cold. that was just the saturday of the week. i am shocked. this is the 1st time i lost a dear friend of mine. i always have a spot for ahmed. he was someone special. right now, there are a lot of memories of us together that keeps on playing in my mind. i wanted to save it. keep it. lock it. never to throw it away. all of my debate competitions have been with him. now, it feels like i lost a teammate. no more of those terrorists jokes. nasty talks about girls. most of all, no more of those laugh and joy that we always share together. those tears and anger thats been shed.

you are someone with such a good future ahmed. i know your ambitions and plans for the future and i was actually really looking forward to see you achieve your ambitions. i was really hoping that you will get what you want. i wanted to see you be the president of everything that you entered. in the end, god loves you more. He has better plans for you, ahmed.

so long ahmed ali. may your soul rest in peace. Al-fatihah untuk arwah.